Tauriel Tags Along
by rogue planet 13
Summary: When Legolas makes a return trip to the real world, Tauriel decides to tag along. Unfortunately some other members of Middle Earth get dragged along too. Sequel to Thranduil Drops In.
1. A Timely Tea Party

**Part 1: A Timely Tea Party**

"Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease," said Tauriel.

"No," said Legolas. "Sorry. My father has forbidden travel between Middle Earth and the real world, so it's not only dangerous it's illegal."

"So what? That's not stopping you."

"Yes, but..." Legolas hesitated. He had planned to tell his father that he had gone hunting but if Tauriel went with him there would be no keeping her quiet about it.

"So let me come along," said Tauriel.

"I can't," said Legolas, wishing Tauriel were not quite so good at finding out what was going on.

"Are you my boyfriend or aren't you?" demanded Tauriel.

"Well..." said Legolas. Tauriel _was_ pretty hot.

"Come on, let's go!" said Tauriel.

* * *

Inside Radagast's house Thorin, Fili, and Kili examined the bottles on the shelves.

"Do you have any dragon sleeping potion?" asked Thorin.

"I'm sure I have some somewhere," said Radagast, looking over his collection of bottles.

It was at that precise moment that Legolas and Tauriel made their entrance.

"Hey, is it ready?" said Legolas.

"Is what ready?"

"You know, that stuff that I-" Legolas suddenly stopped as he saw the three dwarves.

"What are you doing here?" he asked.

"What are _you_ doing here?" retorted Thorin.

"We were here first," said Kili.

"Yeah, but you know my dad will arrest you if he catches you in Mirkwood," said Legolas.

"Meh," said Thorin. "He won't catch us. He never visits Radagast."

"RADAGAST!"

Everyone jumped as they heard an angry voice outside.

"It's my dad," said Legolas in a guilty whisper.

"If Legolas is in there," the voice continued, "don't sell him any telepotion."

The voice was coming closer.

"I thought he wanted you to go on a vacation," whispered Radagast to Legolas. "Why this sudden change of mind?"

"He just read a book on parenting and he's been really overprotective since," explained Legolas. "Don't tell him I'm here."

The dwarves had already disappeared beneath various articles of furniture. Legolas and Tauriel looked for somewhere to hide but were too slow to find a place before the elvenking burst into the hut.

"Aha!" said Thranduil. "I thought I'd find you here. Did I give you permission to leave the palace?"

"Ummm," said Legolas.

"We just came for a visit," said Tauriel. "For tea," she added, poking Radagast.

"Uh, oh yeah," said Radagast, quickly getting out his tea service and shaking bugs out of the tea cups.

"And what are you doing here?" asked Thranduil, turning on Tauriel and ignoring her explanation. "You're supposed to be guarding the palace."

"It's about time I got some time off," said Tauriel sassily.

"Go home, both of you," said Thranduil.

"Dad," Legolas protested, "you're always treating me like I'm a little kid."

Radagast was getting stressed out by all the conflict.

"Why don't you all stop yelling and have some tea?" he suggested.

The three elves looked dubiously at the tea dishes but the idea of tea was appealing. They all sat down at the table. Legolas and Tauriel sat down gingerly but the elvenking drew up his chair sharply, not knowing that Kili was concealed beneath the table.

There was a muffled shriek and Thranduil pushed back his chair so fast that it crashed against the wall.

"Radagast!" he shouted. "Can't you keep your pets out of the house?"

Kili popped out from under the table.

"He stepped on my finger!" he shouted.

"A dwarf! Eek! Get it away!" cried Thranduil, clambering up onto the chair. "Radagast! What is this? Harbouring criminals?"

"No," said Radagast.

"I'm not a criminal!" cried Kili.

"You're trespassing in Mirkwood. Tauriel, arrest him and throw him in the dungeon."

"No!" said Tauriel, running to Kili and putting her arm around him. "I won't. He's my boyfriend."

"Your what?" said Legolas.

"What?" said Thranduil. "A dwarf?"

"Uhuh," said Tauriel, starry-eyed. "Isn't it wonderful?"

"No!" said Legolas.

"Tauriel," said Thranduil, "I forbid you to marry a dwarf. It's... weird."

Tauriel burst into tears. "It's not fair!" she sobbed. "You wouldn't let me marry Legolas either. You just don't want me to have any fun."

Thranduil sighed internally. Why did kids have to be so difficult?

"It's not about fun," he said, trying to be patient (something he wasn't good at despite his boasts to the contrary) and remembering the recent book on parenting. "It's about what's best for you."

Tauriel sniffed.

"Stop making her cry!" said Kili.

"Fine," said Thranduil, losing the little patience he had managed to summon up. "Legolas, lock up this annoying dwarf."

"No!" shouted a voice as Fili popped out of a cupboard, ran to Kili, and put his arm around him.

"Uh, bro, you're ruining my moment with my girlfriend," said Kili.

Thranduil, caught off guard by Fili's abrupt entrance, lost his balance and fell off the chair onto Radagast's bed.

"OW!" roared a voice and Thorin scrambled hurriedly from underneath the smashed timbers of the bedstead.

"Uh," said Thorin, looking around at the staring faces in embarrassment. "Something rolled under the bed there and I, hem, was just getting it. Yup."

"Why don't you just admit you were hiding from him?" asked Tauriel.

"I wasn't hiding!" protested Thorin.

"What _were_ you doing?" demanded Thranduil. "What are all of you doing here? I thought I made a law about no dwarves in Mirkwood."

Out of the corner of her eye Tauriel noticed Legolas edge over to the shelf and furtively slip a bottle into his pocket. Everyone else was too busy arguing to notice. Legolas glanced guiltily around and then poured a small amount of the potion into a tea cup.

"We were simply visiting our friend Radagast," Thorin explained majestically. "There's no law against visiting one's friends, is there?"

"There is if I say so!" shouted Thranduil.

"All right, everyone," said Radagast. "We can discuss this later. The tea is getting cold."

The various members of the party, making faces at each other, took their seats around the table. Tauriel waiting until no one was paying attention and snatched up a telepotion from the shelf. She managed to pour it into one of the tea cups before Radagast took the tray of them to the table.

"Not all at once," said Radagast as they reached for teacups. "One at a time, please."

"Me first," said Thorin.

"No, me first," said Thranduil. "I'm the elvenking."

"Well, I was here first!"

"Ladies first," said Tauriel.

"I'll go first," said Radagast in annoyance. "Because it's my tea party."

Tauriel huffed in impatience as she watched him take the cup she had put the potion in. The rest took their tea cups in sulky silence.

"Nice lack of spiders we've been having lately," said Radagast conversationally as he buttered a slice of toast.

Legolas swished the tea around in his tea cup hesitantly.

"More tea!" shouted Kili, who had drained his cup at one swallow.

"How remiss of me," said Radagast. "I've forgotten to bring the tea pot to the table."

"I'll get it!" shouted Tauriel, jumping up so hastily that she knocked the milk pitcher into Kili's lap.

"What's taking so long?" asked Thorin grumpily.

"Nothing," said Tauriel, emptying a potion into the tea pot. She set the pot on the table and smiled sweetly at everyone.

"So we're still waiting to find out whether visiting one's friends is a crime," said Thorin to make conversation.

"I'm still waiting to find out what you're doing here," said Thranduil. "And Legolas and Tauriel, too."

He turned a stern eye on his son. Legolas looked guilty, sipped his tea, and... vanished.

For a second everyone stared open-mouthed. Then they realised that Tauriel was gone too.

"Radagast!" said Thranduil accusingly.

Radagast tried to look innocent. There was a barely audible poof and Fili and Kili disappeared simultaneously.

"Where'd they go?" demanded Thorin, suspecting Thranduil.

"They've gone to the human world," said Thranduil between his teeth. "And I expressly told Legolas not to. Just let him wait! I'll get him when he gets back.

"I'm afraid..." began Radagast.

Before he finished he was the only person left in the room. He gazed around him, blinking, and then looked down at his tea cup and pushed it away.


	2. We're in the Human World!

**Part 2: We're In the Human World!**

"This is amazing," said Tauriel, gazing around her starry-eyed. "I've _always_ wanted to come to the human world. I hope I can stay here _forever_!"

"The potion wears off after a few hours," said Legolas, "so we have to hurry and do all the stuff we want to."

Tauriel stopped dancing around and quickly pulled a wad of paper from her pocket.

"What's that?" asked Legolas, staring at the rows of names written on the paper.

"These are all the people I want to meet," said Tauriel.

"Oh right. I forgot you were a fangirl," muttered Legolas. "What? _Paul Rudd_?"

"Go away," said Tauriel, hiding the list from him.

They suddenly heard two poofs behind them and Thorin and Thranduil showed up.

"Legolas!" shouted Thranduil. "What did you do?"

"I didn't do anything," said Legolas. "How did you get here?"

" _Someone_ potioned us," said Thranduil. "And if it wasn't you, who was it?"

Legolas looked at Tauriel.

"Where's Fili and Kili?" asked Thorin.

"Over there," said Tauriel, pointing to a nearby playground where Fili and Kili were trying to see who could swing the highest. "Oooh, that looks like fun. Come on, Legolas!"

"You go ahead," said Legolas, eyeing a nearby mall.

Tauriel, who had already started for the playground, stopped and turned back.

"No," she said. "I'm coming with you. You're not going to go off and have all the fun without me like you did the last time."

"Okay," said Legolas. "But you'd better not spend too much time in one store because I'm not going to wait around for you."

"Great, let's go!" shouted Tauriel, grabbing his hand and dragging him towards the mall. "Come on, you guys!" she shouted to Fili and Kili.

"Aw," they said, reluctantly leaving the swings.

The four of them entered the mall and the glass doors swallowed them from sight. Thranduil turned and walked in the opposite direction.

"Where are you going?" asked Thorin.

"Anywhere Legolas is _not_ ," said Thranduil. "He'll be in that mortal mall for ten hours at least, so I'll finally have some time to myself without having to worry about him."

"Free babysitting?" said Thorin. "Where has this place been all my life?"

"Why are you following me?" demanded Thranduil icily.

"You said you were going wherever Legolas isn't."

"So?"

"So am I."

Thranduil had already used up his limited allotment of dwarf interaction time so he walked on without answering. They arrived opposite a jeweller's shop and Thranduil paused and eyed the shiny watches in the window.

They were beautiful. They didn't have anything like this in Middle Earth: glittering bands to wear on your wrist with small round discs that told you the time. Delightful. Elrond would be so jeal-

"Ow!" shouted Thranduil.

"Sorry," said Thorin, removing his dwarven boot from on top of Thranduil's foot. "You could move over. I can't see."

"Why don't you go into the mall with the others?" Thranduil asked in exasperation.

Thorin ignored him and stretched up on tiptoe to look at the shining display of gold and silver objects. He gave a sidelong glance at Thranduil.

"Can you go inside?" he asked.

"Why ask me?" asked Thranduil, pretending he hadn't been thinking the same thing.

"They said you've been here before."

Thranduil looked away in a bored way. He wasn't going to admit to Thorin that he wasn't familiar with real-world customs.

Thorin turned and, without bothering to see if Thranduil was following, marched into the store.

* * *

Tauriel walked into the mall, her neck craned back to stare at the huge lobby as she went in. "This place is amazing!" she exclaimed. "Hey, look! Fifty percent off!" She darted into one of the stores.

Legolas looked longingly at a sporting goods store and then reluctantly followed. Shopping with Tauriel wasn't really his idea of a fun date, but hey, someone had to look after her. Who knew what perils lurked in the land of reality?

Speaking of perils, he was surprised that no fangirls had showed up yet. He wondered how long it had taken them to find his father on their first trip into the real world. A dreadful thought stopped him cold and he hastily checked a nearby kiosk full of calendars for the date. It was just as he had feared: Radagast's potion hadn't sent him back in time at all. He was still plain old Legolas, ten years past his prime, and all the fangirls were crazy about his father, the elvenking.

Disappointment still rankling in his bosom, he located Tauriel behind a clearance rack, pulling clothes off the rack and inspecting the price stickers.

"Does this make me look fat?" she asked, holding up a sweater in front of herself.

"Uh..." said Legolas, not sure what to answer.

"Yes," said Fili, taking a different sweater off the rack.

"Shut up, I didn't ask you!" said Tauriel, glaring at him. Neither he nor Kili paid any attention, however. They were too busy trying on sweaters.

"Um, you know there are fitting rooms, right?" said Legolas, feeling embarrassed.

"There's a guy's section on the other side of the store," said a salesperson, walking up at that precise moment. The dwarves looked at where her finger was pointing.

"FILI! PLAID SHIRTS!" yelled Kili.

"UNDER ARMOUR BEANIES!" shouted Fili.

Both dwarves charged across the store. Legolas ducked behind a rack of clothes and hoped no one would think the two dwarves were in any way connected with him.

"Oooh, Leggy, look!" squealed Tauriel. She had tried on a duster that reached to the floor. "It fits perfectly!" she said.

"Okay, better buy it," Legolas mumbled. Suddenly something caught his elf eyes. He blinked, but the vision remained. Like one in a dream he crossed the room, hypnotised by the rack of pants on the opposite side.

"Forest green skinny jeans!" he whispered. "It can't be true!"

He took them off the rack and checked the tag. Perfect. They had them in his size. He checked the price. With a shriek he dropped the pants as if they'd stung him.

"Twenty seven dollars!" he shouted.

Regretfully he bent down and picked up the pants again. They were such a lovely color. Just what he'd always wanted...

* * *

Thranduil laid the watch back on the counter with a sigh. Who would have guessed that real world prices could be so high? If he only had some Erebor treasure, he'd easily be able to afford those lovely Rolex watches of pure starlight.

He shook his head at the salesman and glanced around to see where that irritating dwarf had gotten to. It cheered him somewhat to see that Thorin seemed to be having the same difficulties he was having. The dwarf prince was staring into a case of pendants, clasping his hands behind his back and fighting off a very easily recognisable attack of dragon gold lust. For the safety of the jewellery store proprietors, Thranduil thought it might be best to get Thorin out of the store as quickly as possible.

"Come on," said Thranduil, sweeping towards the door. "I saw a furrier's down the street."

Thorin followed him slowly out the door.

"The people of this world are so wealthy," he remarked, "I should not be surprised if a dragon were to come and attack this place and steal their hoarded wealth."

"I don't believe this world has any dragons," said Thranduil.

Suddenly he stopped. Directly across the road he could clearly make out a sign that read "Thrift Store." Little that he knew about real world language, he knew that "thrift" meant not spending much money. It sounded good to him.

"Let us try this hovel over here," he said, leading the way through traffic.


	3. Tauriel Is a Mary Sue

**Part 3: Tauriel Is a Mary Sue**

Legolas sank gratefully into one of the chairs in the lobby. How thoughtful of the mall proprietors to leave these places of rest for weary travellers. His legs were killing him—he'd never expected to find his boots so uncomfortable when he'd bought them.

He'd completely lost track of Tauriel somewhere near Sephora and Fili and Kili were still in the game store arguing who was going to buy the latest edition of Call of Duty. Not like either of them was able to afford it; not to mention the X-box needed to play it.

Legolas sighed and leaned his head on the back of the chair. Who would have guessed shopping could be so exhausting? Suddenly his eyes popped open as a wonderful thought struck him. If he found his dad, maybe he could convince the elvenking how necessary those green skinny jeans were to his son's existence and, like a good father, would put forth the necessary funds to buy them. After all, Thranduil _had_ recently read that book on parenting.

Unmindful of his aching feet, Legolas jumped up and hurried towards the mall exit. He was stopped halfway there by Tauriel flying out of a clothing store and crashing into him. Shopping bags flew everywhere.

"Where did you get the money to buy all this stuff?" asked Legolas. He'd had no idea that being a marchwarden of Greenwood paid so well.

"It was on sale," explained Tauriel. "Where are you going?"

"To find my dad," said Legolas. "Did you see where he went?"

"No; why?"

"Uh, I just wanted to ask him something," said Legolas awkwardly.

"Hey, this place looks cool," said Tauriel, grabbing Legolas's hand and dragging him into a small store nearby.

"What _is_ this place?" asked Legolas, looking around at all the Apple products displayed appealingly.

"Oooh, look!" cried Tauriel, picking up a smartphone case. "It has leaves on it. You have to buy it!"

"I don't even own an iphone," Legolas protested, but he took the case Tauriel pushed at him. It was certainly attractive. He'd never really thought about it before, but he certainly needed a smartphone. This was the twenty-first century, after all, and _everyone_ had a smartphone.

He glanced at the prices listed next to the phones with a sinking heart. His dad was never going to buy him one of these. Still, it couldn't hurt to try one out...

Before he'd even had time to decide which one to try, Fili and Kili burst into the store.

"Hey, cool! iPads!" said Kili. "We can play fruit ninja!"

"Don't you ever do anything useful with your lives?" asked Legolas. "Like Facebook?"

"Look, Legolas, I found a case with spiders on it!" squealed Tauriel.

* * *

Thranduil emerged from the thrift store and glanced up and down the street. His sunglasses were effectual in keeping the glare down, he thought to himself. They were useful as well as fabulous; what a deal. He glanced down at the shimmering sequined robe he wore. That had been a deal as well. Who would have guessed that thrift stores could be so cheap?

The door behind him opened and Thorin came out, resplendent in costume jewellery. Well, it wasn't real gold but it looked almost as good. Besides, Thranduil had found a fur coat and had convinced Thorin to buy it. It looked really good on him.

"Let's see if we can find any more of those stores," said Thorin.

"Very well," said Thranduil. They marched down the street, turning heads with their fabulous and majestic attire.

Suddenly Thorin stopped and turned to look into a store front window.

"Look," he said, pointing through the glass. "Gold watches."

Thranduil stopped and looked in the window as well. The shiny gold watches didn't attract him as much as a beautiful golden ring with a huge diamond set in it. He glanced up at the sign on the store. It read "Pawn Shop."

* * *

Legolas had managed to pull himself away from the Apple store finally, but now he couldn't find the exit. He'd had no idea the mall was so huge. He stopped outside a bookstore and glanced in. It looked so neat and cozy in there and the shelves and shelves full of books reminded him of the library at Imladris where he had so often tormented Erestor. He stepped inside and picked up a book, reading it as he explored.

He was so distracted by the book that he accidentally bumped into someone. He glanced at the person he'd bumped into and gave a yelp, dropping the book on his toe.

"Bilbo?" he said. "What are you doing here?"

Bilbo held up a stack of books. "Just doing a little shopping," he said. "I'm actually waiting for Gandalf to finish his new impromptu job."

He nodded towards a corner and Legolas turned to see Gandalf ensconced in a low chair with a crowd of children around him listening spellbound as he read to them from _Did I Ever Tell You How Lucky You Are?_

"Just look at this book I found," said Bilbo, holding up a book titled _1001 Uses for Pocket Handkerchiefs_. "I can't wait to get back to Bag End and read it."

Legolas turned back to Bilbo. "But how did you _get_ here?" he asked.

"I've absolutely no idea," said Bilbo. "One minute we were drinking tea with Radagast and the next—poof! we were here."

Legolas facepalmed. "Radagast!" he exclaimed. "He's such a ditz! Why couldn't he just have dumped that tea out?"

He sighed. It looked like Tauriel's dumb plan was going to have a lot of unforeseen consequences.

"Let's just hope this potion wears off fairly quickly," said Legolas out loud. "And that no one else in Middle Earth drinks it," he added. He quickly stifled the last thought though because it just seemed like inviting trouble.

"Hey, do you know the way out of here?" he asked.

"Yes," said Bilbo. "It's over there."

Legolas turned to see where he was pointing and started. Tauriel was chasing a celebrity across the mall waving an autograph book.

"What's Tom Hiddleston doing here?" asked Legolas. "He doesn't even live in California."

"Doesn't matter if you're a Mary Sue," said Fili, popping up out of nowhere. "Mary Sues are a magnet for hot dudes."

"Yeah, remember that time when the Mary Sue came to Ereth Lasgalen?" asked Kili. "Glorfindel got magically sucked there even though he never visits Mirkwood. It's a Mary Sue superpower."

Legolas shivered. He knew far too much about Mary Sues and their uncanny powers.

"Shouldn't we stop her before she makes too big a fool of herself?" he inquired.

"Okay," said Fili. But before he could make a move to carry out his good intention, he was stopped by a gasp from Kili.

"Look, Fili!" cried Kili, grabbing his brother's beard. "LEGOS!"

Legolas rolled his eyes as the dwarves charged into a nearby toy store. He wasn't going to get any help from them any time soon. He'd have to stop Tauriel by himself. He could see her across the mall, getting the members of One Direction to sign an album for her. She looked so happy he hated to disappoint her, but Legolas steeled himself. He knew the dangers of Mary Sues and knew that Tauriel must be stopped.

As Legolas made his way across the mall a thought occurred to him. Hey, he was Legolas, after all. Whenever Mary sues came to Middle Earth they always went for him first. Even if his popularity had waned a bit in the years since the first movie had come out, he still sometimes starred in Mary Sue stories. His dad wasn't around to distract them this time so he expected at least a few fangirls to attack him.

He looked around hopefully to see if there were any signs of maddened girls searching wildly for him; but all the cute girls ( _all_ the girls, as a matter of fact) were walking calmly around the mall, not paying the slightest attention to him.

What was wrong with him? Was he not as handsome as he had once been? Worried, Legolas paused next to a make-up kiosk and looked in the mirror anxiously. He needed to go on a diet, he decided.

He turned around to see Tauriel talking to a singer in tasteless pants. She seemed to be trying to get him to sign an album cover and he seemed to be trying to get her to pay for it.

"Tauriel," said Legolas, arriving at her elbow and plucking her sleeve, "I think we'd better leave this place."

"Why?" asked Tauriel.

"Because," said Legolas.

"Hey," the singer (whose name was Bustin Jeiber) interrupted, "she was talking to _me_. And your outfit is so last year."

"Look who's talking," said Legolas haughtily, with a disdainful glance at the singer's baggy pants. "My taste in clothing is impeccable, whereas yours leaves much to be desired."

"Leggings? Seriously?" said the celebrity with a sneer.

"Come on, Tauriel," said Legolas, choosing to ignore the annoying singer.

"Why do we have to leave? I haven't met Benedict Cumberbatch yet," said Tauriel.

"Because... we... it isn't safe," said Legolas, hitting on a good excuse.

"What do you mean? It's perfectly safe!"

Tauriel was interrupted by a sudden ear-splitting screech of tyres. Legolas spun around in confusion. What would a car be doing in the mall? He had barely time to remember that there had been a demo model parked outside the toy store when it rounded a corner at an extremely unsafe speed, smashing kiosks and scattering terrified shoppers. It drove straight towards Tauriel and her group of admirers.


	4. Legolas Learns the Ways of the Force

**Part 4: Legolas Learns the Ways of the Force**

"I must save her!" thought Legolas, springing into superhero mode. He reached for his quiver but just as he discovered it was empty he noticed who was driving the car. It was Kili, with Fili riding shotgun in the front seat. The car pulled up inches from Tauriel and Kili stuck his head out of the window.

"Hey, babe, what do you think of my new ride?" he asked.

"Kili, what are you doing? Did you _steal_ that car?" asked Legolas sternly.

"We're borrowing it," said Fili. "Come on, it's just like Mario kart racing."

Legolas watched in unbelief as Tauriel opened the back door to get in. Was she crazy? There was only one way to save her and that was to drive himself.

He tugged on the handle of the front door when suddenly a million security guards popped out of nowhere and rushed towards them.

"Stop where you are!" they shouted.

"Let's get out of here," said Tauriel.

Fili and Kili rapidly vacated the vehicle and dashed after her as she headed towards the exit. Legolas paused only one instant in confusion before dashing after them. He had to push his way straight through the crowd of people Tauriel had been getting autographs from. As he went, the annoying singer in baggy pants got in his way.

"Dude, your girlfriend's dumb," he said.

Legolas punched him.

They emerged from the mall into the bright sunlight and blinked. There in front of them were two extremely shiny figures. In fact, they were so bright from all of the sequins and bling they wore that they looked like rock stars from the eighties.

"Dad?" said Legolas unbelievingly.

"Hey, son," said Thranduil fabulously.

"Where have you been all this time?" asked Legolas.

"We found an indoor flea market," Thorin explained.

"Hey, your two nephews stole a car and now the police are after us," said Legolas accusingly.

Thorin facepalmed. "Where are those two worthless relatives of mine?" he asked in annoyance.

"They're right..." Legolas turned around but saw no sign of either Tauriel or the two dwarves. "Where'd they go? They were just here."

He looked around and saw a cinema. The sign over the front door read, Now Showing: Star Wars.

"They're probably over here," he said. "Come on!" He dashed into the theatre with Thranduil and Thorin behind him. It wasn't that he was exactly expecting to find the dwarves in there, but he wanted to see Star Wars.

They slipped into the back row just as the story started to roll across the screen: Long ago in a galaxy far, far away...

"This is going to be good," whispered Legolas, clutching his seat in anticipation. He'd always wanted to see a real-world movie.

"I thought we were going to look for my nephews," said Thorin.

"I'm sure they'll be fine," said Thranduil reassuringly. "Anyway, there will be time to look for them after the film is over."

"I'm not so sure they'll be fine," muttered Thorin. He had just caught sight of a small cyclone of popcorn flying around above several seats in the front row and he had an uncomfortable feeling about it.

Sure enough, only about ten minutes into the show (before the Imperial Forces had even had time to show up yet), several cinema employees passed them dragging two dwarves and an unwilling elleth.

"Let go! We paid for our tickets!" shouted Tauriel.

"What's the meaning of this disturbance?" asked Thranduil, confronting the employees.

"They were asked several times to stop catcalling and throwing popcorn at the screen," explained the employees.

"But the movie isn't over yet!" wailed Kili.

"Serves you right," said Thorin. "I've warned you before about making too much noise."

"You're right; they deserve it—throw them out," said Thranduil, with a dismissive wave of his hand.

"Hey!" shouted Tauriel angrily. "Hey, you can't just throw us out of here!"

All three of them were dragged off protesting.

"I guess we'd better go after them," said Thorin. "Otherwise they'll get into trouble."

"Go ahead," said Legolas.

"We'll wait for you here," said Thranduil.

They donned their 3-D glasses and continued to watch the show. The people in the row in front of them turned to give them odd looks.

"I think you're cosplaying for the wrong show," said somebody.

There was a disturbance further down the aisle. "Those blasted dwarves must have gotten back in," said Thranduil.

"Yeah," Legolas agreed.

Suddenly they noticed something strange waving around up front near the screen where the disturbance was taking place. Legolas blinked and rubbed his eyes.

"I'd say we're not the only ones who are cosplaying for the wrong show," he said. "That looks like an orc scimitar."

"That's weird," said Thranduil, stuffing popcorn into his mouth.

Yells could now be heard from the front of the auditorium. Legolas stood up and craned his neck to see down to the front rows.

"Ada, Ada," he said, tugging on Thranduil's sleeve, "that looks like ..."

He couldn't finish the sentence. Could it really be that reprehensible orc who had had the nerve to draw blood from the one and only prince Legolas of Greenwood? But how on earth had he gotten to the real world?

Thranduil stood up too. "This calls for the interference of the elvenking," he said. He swept fabulously down the steps towards the front of the theatre. Legolas got up and followed him, dire premonitions churning in his breast.

They made their way through the fleeing, screaming theatre-goers, finally reaching the cause of the disturbance. The pale orc and his overgrown offspring were waving their swords around and protesting loudly the intended expulsion of their persons from the theatre.

"HERE, I SAY, WE PAID FOR OUR TICKETS. WHAT'S THE BIG PROBLEM ANYWAY, HEY?"

"YEAH, WHAT'S WRONG WITH A LITTLE TALKING? AND THOSE WERE THE DROIDS HE WAS LOOKING FOR, ANYWAY."

"What are you doing here, scum?" asked Thranduil, cutting rudely into the conversation.

"Yes, filth," said Legolas, trying to look as imposing as his father and failing rather miserably. "How did you manage to penetrate the impressive barriers between this world and our own fair Middle Earth? Don't tell me you drank tea at Radagast's."

The two orcs looked at each other in surprise. "YES, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED," said Azog. "WE WENT TO VISIT RADAGAST BUT WE COULDN'T FIND HIM ANYWHERE AND THERE WAS TEA ALL LAID OUT ON THE TABLE LOOKING DELICIOUS SO WE JUST COULDN'T HELP OURSELVES."

"WE WERE THIRSTY," explained his son. "AND WE LOVE TEA."

Legolas facepalmed. "I should have known Tauriel would make a hash of everything," he said. "Why did I ever let her come along?"

"I should have known you and Tauriel were at the bottom of this," said Thranduil. "I only hope you have some means of reversing this witchery. You have put the inhabitants of this world at peril. Come, we must find a way of returning these two renegades to Middle Earth."

"Why not simply kill them here?" asked Legolas. "Then we would be rid of their foul taint forever."

"Unfortunately," said the elvenking drily, "I left my blade in Mirkwood. Unless you had the foresight to bring your bow and arrows, which it does not appear you had, I'm afraid we're completely unarmed. Whereas our opponents are armed to the teeth. So don't suggest violence to them in our present unprotected state if you value your continued existence."

"Oh," said Legolas, feeling foolish. "Um, okay..."

"You won't like the way this movie ends," said Thranduil. "You'd better leave now before you become angrier."

"Uh, ada, do you even know how this movie ends?" asked Legolas, who was rather curious as to whether Luke Skywalker would manage to defeat Darth Vader and find out who his father was.

"No," said Thranduil, "but I imagine the good guys win in the end as is common in real-world movies. And since these creatures happen to be rooting for the Empirial forces, I hazard a guess that they won't like the ending."

"ALL RIGHT," said Azog. "COME ON, SONNY. LET'S SEE WHAT ELSE THIS TOWN HAS TO OFFER."

"MAYBE THERE WILL BE TEA," said Bolg eagerly.

They traipsed out of the theatre while Legolas and Thranduil followed anxiously. Once more out on the street they looked around for the dwarves and Tauriel.

"One thing there has been a pleasant dearth of this time," remarked Thranduil, "is fangirls."

"Uh, yeah," said Legolas. "I wonder where they all are, anyway."

Screams erupting from further up the street turned their heads in that direction. Legolas's eyes grew wide as he spied Kili and Fili racing down the street with a giant spider in hot pursuit. Tauriel chased along behind the spider, waving a knife and trying to shoot her bow at the same time.

"What in the name of the Valar is going on?" cried Thranduil in amazement.

"I—I didn't know spiders drank tea," stuttered Legolas, turning several shades of unbecoming colours.

Azog and Bolg stared for two seconds before springing into hot pursuit of the spider, shouting in Black Speech for the spider to stop and face them like a brave arachnid.

Legolas facepalmed again. "This is horrible," he said. "Where will this end?"

He looked up to see Bard wandering towards them looking harried with his three kids hanging on him and trying to run off in all different directions at once.

"Have you seen Gandalf?" asked Bard. "He promised to babysit for me tonight, but he never showed up. And then I went to Radagast's to get him to fill in for Gandalf and drank some of the tea he had sitting out and suddenly found myself here. Where are we, anyway?"

Thranduil turned slowly upon his son. "It appears it is up to one of us to clear up this mess," he observed.

"Yes, ada," said Legolas humbly. "I'll—"

"And since it's obviously useless to expect you to do anything about it," Thranduil went on, "I shall have to do something myself. I—"

He stopped and even he seemed for a moment robbed of speech. Legolas looked up and turned around to see what he was staring at with his mouth hanging open.

"I am fire!" said a voice in the air above them as Smaug stepped over a building. "I am death." Smaug kicked over a small skyscraper.

"Something is very wrong," said Legolas, staring in wide-eyed horror.

His father spun around on him. "This is all your fault!" shouted Thranduil. "I told you not to try to return to the real world, but did you listen to me? No! And now look at the mess you've caused. When we get back to Middle Earth you're grounded for three ages."

"But ada!" Legolas protested. "It wasn't my fault! It was Tauriel. She dumped potion in the tea and caused all this mess."

"Shut up!" shouted Thranduil.

Before the argument could escalate any further, Thorin rushed from the melee of fleeing civilians and started trying ineffectually to slay Smaug. Azog and Bolg, catching sight of him, started trying to slay Thorin. A lot of random dwarves popped out of nowhere and started trying to slay the orcs. Amid the general confusion Gandalf and Bilbo stood in the shelter of a bus stop and watched the progress of the battle.

"Where even is Tauriel?" asked Legolas, looking around vainly for the cause of all the trouble. Tauriel had vanished. In fact, she had literally vanished, along with Fili and Kili. The next minute Legolas blinked and looked around to discover that everyone was back in Middle Earth. Smaug was still looking for innocent civilians to eat and the dwarves were still chasing him.

"Well, at least we're all back home," said Legolas. "See? All's well that ends well."

"You're still grounded," said Thranduil. "And you're never allowed to visit Radagast ever again. And you're not allowed to be friends with Tauriel anymore. She's a bad influence on you."

"What?" said Legolas. "But ada, I wish to marry her!"

"I will not permit it," said Thranduil. "Besides, I hate to break it to you, but she's in love with the dwarf."

"Noooooooo!" said Legolas broken-heartedly. "I punched Bustin Jeiber for her!"

He wiped tears from his eyes in time to see Tauriel still chasing the giant spider. "I'll save you, Kili!" she yelled.

"Hey, what about me?" yelled Fili.

Legolas sighed. Maybe his ada was right. Perhaps Tauriel really was a bad influence on him. Besides, she made life just a little too exciting.

 **THE END**


End file.
